No matter how much parents try to get along with their teens, there’s bound to be bickering at some point. “Bickering” is essentially when a small issue—losing a sock in the dryer, leaving the milk out, or switching laundry without asking, for example—bubbles to the surface and creates an argument. The conflicts that instigate bickering can usually be ignored or solved with a quick apology, but if they aren’t handled correctly, these small mistakes can turn into destructive arguments.
Living in close proximity with teenagers is hard for parents (and the teens). Bickering is going to be a reality at one point or another, and all parents need to know why bickering is so destructive and how to defuse tiny arguments before they evolve into something bigger. Here are my top tips for how parents can avoid bickering with their teen.
First: Why Does it Matter?
You might be wondering why it’s so important to avoid bickering. After all, bickering is, by definition, a petty argument. What could possibly be so harmful?
Well, the truth is, bickering is only the tip of the iceberg. If your teen picks a fight with you about something small—leaving their door open a crack too wide, say—it’s actually an indicator of a larger issue. Perhaps they feel like you don’t trust them, or like they want more personal space. If you take the bait, you’ll turn something inconsequential into a fully fledged fight before you know it, and any chance of having an open conversation about the real problem will fly out the window. This is why it’s key for parents to know how to recognize bickering, stop it, and get to the root of the issue instead. If not, these small arguments will fester, grudges will be formed, and communication between you and your teen could become more hostile than productive.
The bottom line is this: even though it seems like it’s not a big deal, there’s a lot at stake when it comes to bickering, especially if it’s becoming a frequent occurrence. Here are my top three tips for what parents should do to avoid bickering with their teens.
- Apologize
This might be hard, infuriating even, but it’s the best way to diffuse the tension between you and your teen and have a productive conversation. Suppose you borrowed your teen’s toothpaste without asking and forgot to put it back in their bathroom. They call you out, much more upset than they have reason to be. Don’t take the bait! You were in the wrong, and it’s not really about the toothpaste. Apologize, wait for them to cool off (this might take a while) and address the problem again later. Chances are, something’s been bubbling up in your teen’s mind for a while and finally rose to the surface.
Alternatively, if you find yourself getting upset with your teen over something small, try to take a step back and ask what you’re actually frustrated with. Is it the fact your teen is shunning chores, and you’re worried they aren’t learning about responsibility? Do you feel like you’re becoming the maid, and you want a little more respect and appreciation for all you provide? If this is the case, you need to have a real conversation, not a passive aggressive exchange over leaving the TV on overnight.
If you catch yourself doing this, stop as soon as you can, and apologize for overreacting. Again, this might be difficult, but often times it takes losing or dropping an argument to save a productive relationship.
- Be a Good Listener
After you’ve apologized and given you and your teen some time to cool off, ask them if they’d like to talk about the argument. They might not, and that’s okay. Take the first step and open up to them about how you felt and what you’d like to see change. This might prompt a response from your teen, and that’s when it’s time to put your empathic listening skills to the test.
Ask open-ended questions to instigate responses. “Why didn’t you put away the groceries like I asked you?” and “How do you think that makes me feel?” are good questions to ask to understand your teen’s perspective and make them think about yours. Don’t interrupt them, and show you’re listening by reaffirming their statements. This might not seem productive to you, but it will make the conversation feel less like an argument and more like an open conversation, which will make everyone more comfortable and willing to compromise.
- Set Rules for Bickering
This is a great way to prevent bickering from happening in the first place. If you and your family create a set of rules about how to handle petty arguments, bickering is unlikely to escalate into large-scale conflicts. Examples of rules might be to let somebody know when they did something wrong and ask them not to do it again instead of accusing them. Another option might be to have consequences for when something small gets out of hand, which will encourage you, your teen, and your family to keep away from overreacting. Rules will vary for every family, but having some guidelines on handling conflict will be handy in any home.
Bickering is a tough reality to navigate. Teens are often hot-headed, and it can be hard not to get drawn into their moody arguments. But as a parent, you need to set an example by rising above the conflict, keeping a cool demeanor, and working to diffuse and address the situation at hand.
Author Bio:
Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com, ghostwriter at WriteItGreat.com, and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.
